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May. 19th, 2011

  • 8:02 PM
My baby!
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to put these in my profile or layout or what, so I'm just going to stick them on top of my journal. I only know who one of them is from (though I have my suspicions as to the other) but they make me feel happy regardless. Thank you!!




A giant bear hug

Awarded to grammarshark



The Medal of Awesomeness

Awarded to Grammar Shark

May. 3rd, 2010

  • 4:53 PM
To be the person no one needs
I promised not to look again. I promised not to wonder again. I knew there were more lies, but I promised not to go looking.

Curiosity kills and all.

I will watch you dance alone

  • Feb. 8th, 2010 at 10:03 PM
What will you find when you turn around?
I'm crying, but I'm not sad. I was feeling sad before, like ten minutes ago (not the random remembering sadness I sometimes get; I was reading stuff that made me nostalgic and whatnot), but I didn't cry then. And I don't usually cry anyway.

Maybe this is a side effect of the antianxiety tablets?

NOTE: I wrote this entry about three minutes ago. The tears are gone. I'm still confused, though.

The dust has only just begun to fall

  • Jan. 27th, 2010 at 8:34 PM
Dream
I'm scared.

Amidst all the other whirring thoughts, dizzy ups and down, agitation giving way to rage, and the horrific sadness, that's the one thing that I know is real. The one vulnerable, lasting (Idon'thavewordsIdon'thavewords) that whimpers beneath the other emotions, shaking with apologies.

I am so, so scared.

If this is true, then I'm not real anymore. I probably never was.

Jan. 21st, 2010

  • 6:24 PM
I'm not asking for understanding
The inside of my head is spinning.

This should not amuse me. There is no "this." I have nothing to be amused by.

My thoughts make no sense. Each word has the potential to be cogent. Each sentence is eloquent, perhaps overly so. But they jumble together in a pile and I sit, gazing at them, and realize, I don't understand.

My use of commas feels improper. Are commas important when you're just rambling to the air?

Still there's something so amusing about all of this, the girl who's had rape and abuse and death knocking her window, losing her mind now that her life is really quite wonderful.

The windows of my house are very large. The views are beautiful, when they aren't fogged over. I should write a poem about this, instead of singing to an audience of empty seats in my mind. Or maybe that's what poetry means.

Don't pretend you know what I'm talking about. I don't.

Jan. 7th, 2010

  • 12:02 AM
Dream
I feel insane. I feel it a lot. I keep thinking things I shouldn't and I drown in them, in memories I don't want to have and fears I don't want to fear, and though it never lasts sometimes I'm scared I'll never come out.

Nothing prompted this. Life is pleasant. Good grades, good friend, great girlfriend. Cold and sick, but I ate today. It's just my head, my stupid head that won't shut down, and I don't know what to do.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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To be the person no one needs

I don't know what to say and I don't know how to fix it. It feels like my fault, because it wouldn't have happened if I weren't there, but I didn't do anything wrong and neither did she. I love her so much and I don't know how to make her better, and that hurts so fucking much. If this is how I made her feel, it's no wonder things ended the way they did. Thinking that makes me want to murder myself--real, violent murder, not a suicide to escape pain. I'll never do it, though, because I have a shadow of a hope that maybe I can make her a little happier.


You and me could write a bad romance

  • Dec. 4th, 2009 at 4:18 PM
I'm not asking for understanding
This is silly. In fact, it borders on pathetic. I don't like feeling this way.

Honestly, I don't know what I think I'm doing. I could back out in a second; it would be the easy way out, and no one would blame me, but it's the last thing I want to do.
(What do you honestly believe is going to happen?)
I don't know. Do I ever?

Just let me be there for you

  • Nov. 17th, 2009 at 6:51 PM
Dream

Feelings are…confusing. And frustrating. My thoughts have this thing they do where they refuse to turn off, even when I try to make them, and I’m not sure what to do about that.

Also, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Terrific.

Tags:

Seems an awful shame

  • Oct. 25th, 2009 at 1:34 PM
To be the person no one needs

There’s something very refreshing about being able to cry and scream until your throat is raw and your head is light and spinning. Something akin to peace results, and you can’t be scared of the outcome even though things are horrible and you wish you could throw away your family.

Ironic how lovely things and awful things in my life can occupy such close spans of time; my birthday sleepover—which followed another familial meltdown in which there was screaming and I was crying but that was ok because it was just me in tears; this time it was my mom and my brother and maybe Dad cried, too, when the phone was down—was so wonderful and we had such a fantastic time and Sweeney Todd was delightfully melodramatic (although very few people in the movie could sing.) And, of course, the food was adored.

Happiness doesn’t know how to last, I guess.

I’m calm now, though, which is good because I have to put on a calm and smiling face for my interview with Occidental. After all, it’s a hope for escape. Lord knows I need one of those.