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May. 19th, 2011

  • 8:02 PM
My baby!
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to put these in my profile or layout or what, so I'm just going to stick them on top of my journal. I only know who one of them is from (though I have my suspicions as to the other) but they make me feel happy regardless. Thank you!!




A giant bear hug

Awarded to grammarshark



The Medal of Awesomeness

Awarded to Grammar Shark

Just let me be there for you

  • Nov. 17th, 2009 at 6:51 PM
Dream

Feelings are…confusing. And frustrating. My thoughts have this thing they do where they refuse to turn off, even when I try to make them, and I’m not sure what to do about that.

Also, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Terrific.

Tags:

Seems an awful shame

  • Oct. 25th, 2009 at 1:34 PM
To be the person no one needs

There’s something very refreshing about being able to cry and scream until your throat is raw and your head is light and spinning. Something akin to peace results, and you can’t be scared of the outcome even though things are horrible and you wish you could throw away your family.

Ironic how lovely things and awful things in my life can occupy such close spans of time; my birthday sleepover—which followed another familial meltdown in which there was screaming and I was crying but that was ok because it was just me in tears; this time it was my mom and my brother and maybe Dad cried, too, when the phone was down—was so wonderful and we had such a fantastic time and Sweeney Todd was delightfully melodramatic (although very few people in the movie could sing.) And, of course, the food was adored.

Happiness doesn’t know how to last, I guess.

I’m calm now, though, which is good because I have to put on a calm and smiling face for my interview with Occidental. After all, it’s a hope for escape. Lord knows I need one of those.

 

Oct. 12th, 2009

  • 9:33 PM
One

I've been back for a few hours and already I'm furious.

However insecure I might be about my chances to get into where I hope to go, I can't wait to be out of this house for good.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I feel the burn, but I don't feel the pain

  • Sep. 18th, 2009 at 7:08 PM
I'm not asking for understanding

I don't know what to do.

There's nothing I can do. That's the problem. It's always the problem.

I hate time. I hate progression and accumulation and how one second can change so much and you don't even realize it.

I think I've gone into shock. Not figuratively, but literal shock. I can't feel any emotions except a horrible pain in my head. I can't breathe properly. My thoughts are freaking and shrieking but I can't feel my emotions. I can't even feel worry, even though I know just how serious it is to go into shock.

How could that have happened? How could I not have realized it? Surely I realized it.

Sep. 16th, 2009

  • 3:45 PM
One

It's like a shot of Novocaine to the heart; it feels pierced, swollen, but mysteriously numb except for the nerves that have been scraped raw and scream. The women are friendly--funny that they're all women; your real doctor's a man; you haven't seen him in months--but their job is the piercing and scraping.

Then, three hours after arriving, you can leave, and you're starving but you can't eat. Your poor mother is clearly impatient, but she takes you somewhere for a smoothie (the one benefit over a root canal; at least you can have a smoothie, a milkshake, something easy to digest.) Strawberry-mango. They give you the added flavor free, and a size bigger than you paid for, and though you thank them it's a little jarring. Are they really that kind, or do they know?

Like my life is a body part shot with Novocaine. I'm aware of its existence, but it doesn't feel like part of me.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags:

Alrighty then

  • Aug. 28th, 2009 at 9:31 PM
What will you find when you turn around?
I have a new LiveJournal. I won't put its name; if you read this, chances are you've already been friended on the new journal. If not, let me know and I'll gladly add you. Adding won't be selective on the new journal. Private angsts will still be here.

Whatever will come, we'll come through

  • Aug. 27th, 2009 at 11:31 PM
Dream
Garrumph.

I tried quitting. Didn't work; need somewhere to dump my angsts when no people are available.

I tried filtering. Didn't work; forgot to use it on the first go, thus breaking a promise I had made and probably making permanent what was ruined.

I tried ignoring the problem and blogging as normal. Also not working.

This LJ makes me too anxious. I've revealed much too much of myself because I thought I knew who I was revealing it to. I'm scared to add new people to the friendslist because I don't want to go back and privatize all my angsts.

Another thing is, this LiveJournal is more a therapeutic tool than anything else, which is fine and dandy, but I don't just like venting. I like writing about life and stories and food and random introspection, all of which kind of take a backseat around here. Heck, I don't even feel like doing the college rambles that I'm sure the wise among you skipped over.

Still not sure what I'll do. Maybe start a new blog for stuff that, while probably not very interesting to anyone but me, can be comfortably shared. And keep this for the angsts.

Also getting a new email address. This is a definite, not a maybe, but it will probably wait until I'm done applying to college, since right now they and all the college websites I've joined have my current. Any suggestions on a good site (must have lots of space, allow me to make folders, and not be at all related to the computer I use. Ones that sound cool or have some charitable purpose get points) would be welcome. Otherwise I'll probably stick to Gmail. The threading is useful. As is Gmail chat.

Writer's Block: Kindness of Strangers

  • Aug. 26th, 2009 at 10:31 PM
I'm not asking for understanding

Would you donate a kidney or bone marrow to a stranger?


View 528 Answers

Kidney - yes, if mine's actually worth donating, which I kind of doubt.
Bone marrow - almost definiely not worth donating.

Pretty much any part of me that's healthy and that I could give, I would, whether to a stranger or best friend. Sadly, there isn't much that fits the former.

Because I just don't know how to be done

  • Aug. 24th, 2009 at 5:40 PM
Look at the shiny things kill each other

I had been of the impression that my college list was finally complete, my having nitpicked to the greatest extent of my ability. I’m having second thoughts, though. Pomona, Occidental, and Lewis & Clark are still golden. UW Honors is still…meh, but ok. Yale is still the least cringe-worthy of the colleges my parents wish to push on me. I am, however, getting less enthusiastic about Wesleyan. I passionately adore the college, to the point where at times I might have called it my top choice, but I don’t believe I’d go. Not when it charges over $50,000 a year and gives no merit scholarships. And I think my bitching about Stanford is fairly well-known around these parts.

 

The correct answer would be to lay it aside from the moment and see how the visit to Occidental (the visit to Pomona being a nonissue because it’s slightly more selective and definitely my top choice) and the early application to Yale go, but my brain doesn’t work that way. It wants to BE DECIDED ALREADY.

 

Blergh. I wanted to be done with apps by now. I realize I’m still ahead of…well, every junior-who-is-now-a-senior I know. But I feel behind.

ETA after revisiting research: Oh, who am I kidding? No way I'm not applying to Wesleyan. I love it to bits and there's no supplement anyway; I'll deal with price if I'm actually accepted. And Stanford is a much easier concern to lay aside. So I worried needlessly. Whee! =D

Tags:

If you see her, please send her my love

  • Aug. 21st, 2009 at 9:39 PM
Chand
Back-to-school day came at an opportune time, the day after a very nervewracking and bad-news-flooded medical check-up and the day before the exodus of seniors officially began. Between those, seeing people I've had scarce contact with over the last couple months was pleasant. A few people complimented my appearance, which was strange but also very pleasant. I'm frustrated by having no classes with some friends but thrilled to have classes with others. They all seem to be concentrated in my AP Literature, AP American Government, and AP Comparative Government classes.

Today is *bheej*--Chandra'at (the new moon) seven times over. It's supposed to be spent in fasting and contemplation.

I'm not fasting.

I was going to share these contemplations, just to clear my head, but it's clear enough at the moment. 
I'm not asking for understanding
 

Tags:

Shit

  • Aug. 14th, 2009 at 9:35 PM
I'm not asking for understanding

Hi, my name is Sophia and I'm an idiot. I give up when I'm not ready to let go and then I try to toe at bridges long since burned, only to find my foot in ash. And I should probably private or at least filter this entry, but I won't bother, because. I. Am. An. Idiot. Who probably wouldn't even realize she hadn't fucking privatized or filtered what was supposed to be a fucking private or filtered entry.

Clearly I am also an idiot who curses a lot. And how are you today?

On the bright side, I am an idiot Pomona put on their mailing list. Yay.

Tags:

Not quite an entry

  • Aug. 11th, 2009 at 10:29 PM
I don't want to be seen


Top Commenters on [info]grammarshark's LiveJournal
(Self comments excluded from rankings)
1[info]madcap_shiny256 256
2[info]wicked_wolfie243 243
3[info]lethargicfish87 87
4[info]xandathegreat84 84
5[info]captain_catfish53 53
6[info]perber12 12
7[info]wordsandsilence10 10
8Anonymous9 9
9[info]offthepage7 7
10[info]sorceressofdawn6 6
11[info]hellseffingyeah2 2
12[info]even_a_moment2 2
13[info]chimena1 1
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Total Commenters: 16 (1 not shown)
Total Comments: 1551

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Tags:

Jul. 26th, 2009

  • 4:47 PM
One
There's a funny, biting sort of panic within me; at once long-festering and new-powered, a panic that's been there for a while and drawn tears occasionally, but new information has brought it to such a screeching crescendo that I don't know what to do anymore.
 
This is my fault, obviously. Bad enough that I repress myself, but I had to stray from those repressions in the most careless manner and...
 
I can't talk about my emotions on LiveJournal anymore. They don't feel safe. They don't feel private. I trusted, I was wrong to trust, and explaining the reasons would be sheer cruelty because I wasn't wronged intentionally. This was all a mistake, every bit of it.
 
I think I'm done blogging. I'll keep the account so I can read and comment on my friend's journals, but I don't know how I can ever write on here again. Maybe that will change. For now, let's just call this an
 
Indefinite (likely permanent) Hiatus
 
Don't worry, I'll still read everyone's journals. It's mine I'm giving up on.

Tags:

Asking too little, wanting too much

  • Jul. 23rd, 2009 at 5:00 PM
Dream

It is quite chilly today. I'm not a fan of chill. Chill means my feet are dead white and my fingers achingly cold and I have to wear winter clothes even though it really isn't winter weather. My head and stomach and throat have, at different or coinciding times, been acting up all day, as has a random muscle in my arm that keeps tensing up violently. Such circumstances tend to have me studying college, but at this point I sincerely can't think of a thing that I haven't studied.

 I'm really very happy right now. Things have been good. Family troubles, yes, friend troubles, some, health troubles, always--but little joys like racing Naila around the neighborhood and winning, or a semi-RP via text messages, or other such pleasantries, are still able to delight me. It's when things that should cheer me up have no effect that I'm worried, and currently that isn't the case.
 
The future is what bothers me, even as it fascinates me. It could be wonderful. I'm more confident than I have been in the past, the self-loathing diminished though by no means distroyed. I love my school, love my friends, and the horrific selectivity the colleges I'm applying to doesn't intimidate me as much as it probably should. Happiness is definitely a possibility. Or...
 
I won't discuss the or's. Not here, anyway. Probably I should, since I obsess a wee bit too much. But my private thoughts don't feel safe here anymore, even friendslocked.
 
Then again, I guess they never fully did.

Listy goodness

  • Jul. 18th, 2009 at 6:13 PM
The promised reflection
1) Xanda said numbering entries gets more comments, so I am going to try this.
 
2) My cousin Farhaz is over. Tuesday night, my friend from England is coming, as is her mom. I'm not sure how much time I'll actually get to spend with her, since I'm going to my dad's place Thursday, for overcomplicated reasons. But she's staying a couple weeks, so I can see her when I get back.
 
3) Lately, I have been less inclined to consider myself ugly. It hadn't actually occured to me until a little while back, when Flo and I went shopping with Elly and Xanda (which was really about 30% all of us together and 70% Flo with Xanda and me with Elly. And then I stayed at Flo's house for about an hour after they left. So, basically, I did not see nearly enough of Xanda that day.) Elly and I were talking and I mentioned it, and sometimes it doesn't occur to me how true a statement is until I actually say it out loud.
It isn't that I've magically converted to considering myself pretty, though Friday night I had the surreal experience of looking in a mirror and thinking I looked beautiful. I just don't waste time thinking I'm ugly. After all, why should it matter if I'm ugly or pretty? At least I'm still alive.
 
4) Speaking of pretty: if you have any friends with very fair, clear skin, watch a sunrise with them. The light bathing them will turn said skin pale blue and translucent, and it will be stunning. At least, that was my experience.
 
5) It took over a year of thoroughly in-research, as well as struggling with the parents, but my college list is finalized at last!
 - Yale (single-choice early action)
 - Pomona
 - Wesleyan
 - Occidental
 - Stanford
 - Lewis and Clark
 - UW Honors
I am pretty much in love with every school except Stanford and UW, both of which I liked well enough when I took summer classes there but which I'm really just applying to for parental pleasure. I tend to switch between which of the first three are my favorites. Pomona tends to win. I'm doing overnights at Pomona and Oxy early next year, which I'm tremendously excited for, especially since I will be prospying with Nur and Serena respectively. Sleeping on the floor of utter strangers would be rather awkward. If I like the visit and don't get into Yale, I think I'll apply ED II to Pomona, though my deep and abiding love of Wesleyan whines at this plan.
If anyone has feedback or commentary on anything, I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove talking about colleges. As most of you already know.
 
6) I posted this meme on FaceBook. No one replied, which I expected. However, if any of you do choose to reply, I am extending the offer to skip three. Any three you wish. It's preferred that you don't, but you have the option, because some of these hit really close to home and may be painful or uncomfortable to answer. Like, say, the first one. Though that's also the one I'm most curious about.
Anyway, three skips allowed. No fair claiming one skip can count for multiple questions, no matter how similar these questions may be.
If the epic length irks you, I don't mind you just doing a portion, but it would seriously make my day if someone were actually do the whole thing.
 
 

 </div>
To be the person no one needs
Whenever I'm thinking of what I don't want to think about, my stomach aches as if I haven't eaten in days. My head aches, too, but I'm too used to headaches to care.

Right now I feel like I'm aching all over.

It doesn't help that my energy crashed a few hours ago and I'm unable to do more than lie around, though I know there are things I should be doing--writing my review for FlamingNet, neatening my desk, unloading the dishwasher. I'm typing this from my phone because using the computer feels like unbearable effort. It's not laziness and, unlike the physical pain, it doesn't feel psychosomatic; more likely, the abrupt shift in weather slowed my bloodflow and my visiting Seattle U in the rain yesterday didn't help a bit. Chronic illness is FUN, isn't it?

We're even canceling the trip to Vancouver to "be on the safe side," even though these periods of being too exhausted to stand have never lasted more than a day (I suspect the real reason is that Mom forgot to get our passports renewed, but an expired passport is acceptable ID to get us into Canada and back.) Part of me hopes we reverse the decision when I get my energy back. But I must say, I'm not really focused on the canceled trip.

I wish I could control my thoughts. I wish I could shut them down, change them, stop dwelling on what hurts. I wish I could do the same to my emotions.

I wish, also, I could understand why tremendous guilt underlies every pain I feel. Even I realize I've done nothing I deserve to guilt over.

Tags:

The Klondike song is stuck in my head

  • Jul. 12th, 2009 at 8:59 PM
Busy

Today until about two o'clock in the afternoon was terrible.

Afterwards, it got better. Samir's friend Khalil came over. I don't know how my brother got so lucky; Khalil has been his best friend forever. They were born in the same hospital, and despite moving and them not going to the same school, they see each other often and call each other even more. Today was seriously a matter of Khalil waking Sam up to tell him he was coming over (my brother sleeps until one if no one wakes him.) We went to an incredible book sale--spent $40 bucks in total and bought over 50 books. I bought cookbooks, books on writing, books on war and human rights, novels that struck me as interesting, and psychology books (mostly for curiosity or characters, but one on how to live with chronic illness.)
 
We also stopped by Seattle U. It wasn't a real visit; I'll do one of those later. It was just to check it out. The campus is large and pretty, with all the greenery you'd expect from the location. And there are plenty of places to eat within walking distance.
 
Not much more to say. I could probably talk about Khushiali, but everyone who reads this either heard about it it already (was there, if Nur's reading) or is out of town. I miss Kat and Kyrie and Serena--on this topic Serena especially, since she would have been there. I'll miss Flo, too. *Whine*